Awake!

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I wake up thinking in verse
Poems disperse in my head before I know
I’m awake and aware that my bladder
Is as full as my mind
Not scattered by any kind just full of stanzas
And haikus like a baby fills you
No dream the night before has made this
It just is
I spit words like men spit jiz and create
Mistakes in their youth
Don’t get mad, it’s the truth
But I digress
This is not about you
It’s about the desire to create
Something new
Born in me like Mozart made music
and Michelangelo drew
We all have different conversations with our muse
Producing our different versions of life
Expulsing them out of our mental wombs
Not perfect but equally loved
And crafted
Like your mom and dad designed you
Something made with beauty
To recreate the tapestry of their lives anew
As I decorate mine
With works of words to let my shine come through
I awake and empty my mind on paper
Before I’ve had any brew
Energy already pumping
Full poem out of my head in minutes
And much bigger than a haiku

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The science of dating?

 

What can I say about dating on line but my experience. I have been on a few dating sites and have had some success with it including a long term relationship of over six years. A very good man but as you know it takes time to know someone and once you develop a relationship things can change. You start learning the person you’re with and exploring what you can live with and what you can’t . We both had things we could not compromise so it was best to move on. For me that’s what a relationship really is, figuring out what you’re willing to accept and what you’re not.

Is the connection and love strong enough to side step the hurdles that come along? Because they do come and sometimes fast and furiously so, do you want to jump or fall flat on your face? It’s always your choice. But I digress.

Every time I have filled a profile online I am very direct. I express what I desire in a man and how I am myself. I post current pictures and answer all my messages even if I am not interested. Respectfully. Of course you get your lechers and those who want pictures they have no business having and I nicely delete and block the trolls so it’s all good. Some people online you must realize are just there for a quick good time and I’m not the one. A real and long lasting relationship is my goal.

But….

 

Relationships are work! Big, long and rigorous work. You have to really want to explore and do the job with intent in order to achieve any type of success. I was married for 16 years and all of it was work. You must find joy in it and the willingness to accept your one as they are for it to last. When you first begin you must put all of your cards on the table and be willing to deal with rejection if that’s not what they’re willing to accept. I dated a man with so many broken cards and jagged scars that I knew it wouldn’t work but I dated him anyway.

After it was over I asked myself why? Why would I date a man so broken? Did I intend to try and heal his wounds? Maybe. I have made that mistake many times though I know better. Every situation I learn something new so I let go much faster than I would have in the past. I am proud of that. I gained reason with time and now think much clearer when making decisions on what’s right for me.

It is not your job to fix people. So if you find yourself doing that, let go.
Don’t waste time trying to make a person see things your way because most of the time they don’t want to. We are creatures of habit.
If you know that you have massive issues yourself, fix those first. Don’t travel to your new relationship with old baggage.
When you know somethings wrong look at it, talk about it, analize it even but don’t turn a blind eye to it because it will repeat itself until you pay attention to it and resolve it.
You are stronger than you look or feel so yes, you can do it. Your main question will be are you willing to accept unhappiness enough not to be on your own.
I’m willing to be on my own. I’m willing to wait for the one who I can love enough to accept him whole heartedly. So that’s where I stand.

I’m not waiting for Prince Charming just the prince made for me.

How did I?


Oh how I loved you

In a million different ways
I looked at you as you slept and believed that this

Would last 

Maybe not forever cause nothing does that

I don’t care what people say 

Six years feel like a lifetime when it’s all you got

Still I loved you through the why’s and why nots 

As you tore through my spirit one jagged piercing at a time

My bones still show in some places

But I always blamed the moment like the words were coming out of thin air instead of the enemy I slept with

Ripping off my heart with fake love sounds

Dead love words that only came alive when you got what you wanted 

Took so long to figure you out

So much of you was under ground

Took so many excavations to come out with the wolf hidden under the sheeps wool 

But slowly you could no longer hide

The fangs tore at your gums

Your back began to curve under your wooly coat as the evil shown through your eyes 

Poison seeped

I could finally see

The beast. 

When things change

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Rampant swirls of letters run                                                                                                                  through my crowd mind                                                                                                                            everything I have ever wanted to say                                                                                                       to you sounds like                                                                                                                                     an ancient language, to me                                                                                                                                  now                                                                                                                                                      the words once full of love now posses a tinge                                                                                           of reality                                                                                                                                                Things we don’t want to see                                                                                                                   emotions we don’t want to feel                                                                                                              regrets we have lived, yet can’t change                                                                                               An ordinary life might be lived                                                                                                                  in an extraordinary way                                                                                                                                    If you love it                                                                                                                                        If you want it                                                                                                                                                        when you live it

 

Daydreaming….

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Every day, I write

The words travel the expanse of my mind
Traveling through my lips as I say them
Before I write them down
I think of all the people I love
Loved, will love perhaps
Depending on which part of my life they gain access to
Looking through the looking glass of my wishes I see
Cottages and fields of green, blue skies
Wine and silence
warm summer breezes blowing my rose colored curtains
Wicker chairs askew in the garden
Books on my mind
And at my side, love